Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Logan's Room

Alyssa sent me some pictures of Logan's room to post on the blog. It is so adorable. As I look at it I can see pieces that came from many loved friends and relatives who have provided Logan with a beautiful place to grow. Thank you so much.

I know that when you're young and broke that having a pretty nursery seems kind of unimportant, but one of the highlights of having a baby is getting to start off with a new space and make it warm and comfortable. We want everything for our children, and this is one experience that I didn't want Alyssa to miss out on. Sure Logan could have slept in a dresser drawer by the bed, but having a baby should be a wonderful time, and I didn't want her cheated out of that.

As I was looking at the pictures I started thinking back to February when we found out Alyssa was going to have a baby.

To say that it has not been difficult for me to deal with Alyssa being pregnant while she is still so young and in school would be a lie. At first I really tried to look at the positives: she is an adult, she and Andy have been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and I know I will love Logan as much as I love her and the boys (although I am NOT old enough to be a grandmother).

However, as time passed it got harder and harder for me to hide my disappointment that Alyssa would have to suffer the same hardships that Al and I have, and that she wouldn't experience all of the things that I had wished for her. I would still marry Al all over again and I wouldn't trade any of my kids for anything, but I wish we had waited a little longer before starting a family.

Yesterday, I was sitting with Christian and pondering my life (for those of you fond of pondering, Christian is the one to do it with) when he asked me "If you lived your life over knowing what you know now, would you do anything different?"

"Yes. I would wait until I finished college to get married and have babies."

"But then you wouldn't have us."

"Yes I would, just later."

"But not US. It would be different kids at a different time. Also, Dad wouldn't join the Army, and we wouldn't grow up with and know the people that we know now."

I thought about that, and I realized he was right. The DNA would be a little different, and I would have had 3 totally different kids. Now whether I would have had the same souls is a belief that I will leave up to you, but the physical beings would be different and our entire life would be changed.

I've always thought that if you want to change one part of your life you have to be willing to trade your entire life for it, because your life comes to you as a package and you can't trade bits and pieces of it. Christian and his old soul reinforced that for me. I wouldn't do anything different and the only thing I can do to change things is to learn from my mistakes and work toward making them better now. It's never too late.

Alyssa and Andy have that same opportunity. They are young, but they can still finish school and raise a wonderful and happy child. It won't be easy, but they can do it, and we're all willing to help.

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